Personal Training, Fitness and Nutrition Motivation

Monday, May 18, 2009

Why Porn Can Be Unhealthy in Relationships











You may think writing about pornography is out of place on a fitness Blog but got your attention right? After reading the post you will see just how this fits into getting healthy and staying healthy.

I have researched this topic in depth and as a way to further help women, men, and couples. What I will be sharing is very candid, may shock some, offend some, and put some on the defensive. My intention is to inform you on a topic that is shown to be at the very heart of ruined relationships, broken marriages, lost jobs, loss of family, lost lives, and loss of self.

Many remain in denial of the damaging effects that porn, especially online porn, is having on their ability to function in reality. If you see yourself described in any way within this blog, I encourage you to seek professional help today. The following are statements from specialists in the field and reputable publications regarding pornography:

“it is coloring relationships, both long-and short-term, reshaping expectations about sex and body image and, most worrisome of all, threatening to alter how young people learn about sex” Time Magazine, The Porn Factor, Jan 2004, Health

"The Internet is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction," says Jennifer Schneider, co-author of Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession? I realize that both men and women utilize pornography but studies show that the largest percentages are males “71% Nielsen/Net ratings 2003”.

"Men become like computers, unable to be stimulated by the human beings beside them," he says. "The image of a lonely, isolated man masturbating to his computer is the Willy Loman metaphor of our decade." Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters and Johnson clinic in St. Louis, Mo.,


"Men became, in the words of Dr. Margaret Redelman, the president of the Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers, and Therapists, "lazy lovers". In the end, they could not be bothered with real-life sex. In other cases, sex lives became porn-like, male-focused, extreme and lacking in intimacy."


Women feel as if “they can’t compete, and they know it. For how can a real woman—with pores and her own breasts and even sexual needs of her own (let alone with speech that goes beyond “more, more, you big stud!”) possibly compete with cyber vision” The New York Times, The Porn Myth, Naomi Wolf



“A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and 
where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.” Dr. Dave and Donalyn Currie, Help, My Husband Does Not Want to Have Sex

“Women are feeling the consequences of porn in numerous ways. We see eating disorders, body loathing, plastic surgery, and unrealistic expectations in girls and young women. We see women equating their worth to their form and its sexual attractiveness. We see depression and sorrow as the acceptance and normalization of objectifying women spreading throughout the world.” Jennifer Jones, Mental Health Therapist, Does Pornography Help or Hurt Relationships?

What are your thoughts after reading the citations? Quite shocking and leaving all of us asking what the hell is going on?

A man struggles with being able to achieve and maintain an erection and to his probable embarrassment have an orgasm with a real woman. 

A woman feels inadequate, has body image issues, and feels the pressure to be a porn star with a man. Men are feeling insecure about having a relationship with a real woman. 

Men are turning to fantasy cyber chicks over and over again until the fantasy becomes his sexual gratification. 

Women are feeling not good enough to arouse and satisfy her man. They struggle with not being desired sexually. 

A team of American researchers from Stanford and Duquesne Universities has called cybersex compulsion a "hidden public health hazard". Sexual counselors and psychologists in Australia are less colorful. Brett McCann, a senior lecturer in the sexual health program at the University of Sydney, says it is a growing problem "with big implications for the public health dollar. There's no quick fix, and by the time the problem is uncovered, there's usually a crisis in the relationship."

Are you in a relationship where things do not feel quite right?

As women have you been rejected by your husband or boyfriend? Do you find yourself being the initiator of all intimate contact?

As a man, do you find yourself scared to date, or initiate sex with a woman because of anxiety around non-arousal? Do you find yourself in front of your computer screen on a regular basis searching out cyber sex/pornography? Are you lying to your partner about your cybersex activities?

As a woman, out of intimacy desperation, are you performing uncomfortable sex fantasies with your husband/boyfriend? Do you feel disconnected during the sex act with your husband/boyfriend?

As a man do you find yourself having to recall a fantasy during sex in order to achieve orgasm? Have you lost sexual desire for your wife/girlfriend?

As a woman, have you felt your partner become distant physically and emotionally? Do you see your partner preoccupied with the computer and brushing it under the rug?

Just a few questions to think about as you try to figure out what is going on.

“The secret use of pornography is the true home-wrecker, according to most of the psychologists contacted. The most common pattern is for one partner to eventually discover the other's obsessive use. "When it's consensual use in a limited way, it's unproblematic," says Eric Hudson, the national president of the Australian Association of Relationship Counselors. "But where it is secretive, it is experienced as a betrayal of the relationship." Once the intimacy has reached a point where the husband/boyfriend has started withdrawing from his spouse/girlfriend, the fantasy addiction has reached its peak. Brain chemical release no longer desires or responds to what his real life partner has to offer.

This explains what is going on with why your husband/boyfriend is not desiring you. First of all, it's not you. I have had the recent opportunity to read numerous heart-wrenching stories and cries for help surrounding the compulsive use of pornography and the damage it has caused to women and men.


A person viewing cybersex or pornography is visually stimulated and the brain responds by releasing feel-good chemicals. Epinephrine, an adrenal gland hormone responding to the experience occurring at the time of high arousal is released. Adrenaline, adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), noradrenaline, norepinephrine, and testosterone are also released.

This instant chemical hit or high during the cybersex session can be achieved over and over again at the push of a button. The brain has created a memory or trigger that sexual release correlates with cyber sex. Eventually, after habitual use, the user can only respond sexually to that trigger.

This explains why men who view pornography habitually suffer from sexual inabilities they are usually embarrassed to admit: erectile dysfunction or inability to orgasm. Typically they will choose cyber sex for a sure sexual high than risk feeling insecure failing at being intimate with a real woman.

As a man, you may feel duped not having full disclosure of the side effects of compulsive porn use. You may be struggling inside to even talk about it.

I encourage you to start regaining what was lost. Honesty is always the first step. If you are married or have a girlfriend, they will want you to get better. Your mate will probably be more understanding and supportive than you realize. She will regain her self-esteem and no longer feel to blame for the physical distance. As a couple, you have the opportunity to re-kindle your emotional intimacy and work together to save the relationship. It is strongly recommended to seek the guidance of a licensed therapist for this process.


Men, I understand this is a very sensitive issue. Many of you keep it hidden and are ashamed to admit the problem. Do you feel your current situation is healthy? Do you want to continue hiding behind a secret life that consumes you? Continuing this lifestyle distorts the true picture of intimacy. It promotes lying and betrayal, robs your finances, puts you at risk to lose your job and your family.

The other choice is living a fulfilling, successful, happy life enjoying and knowing a true and real intimate relationship? If you are willing, you can make a positive change to heal. Stopping pornography addiction may sound difficult especially if you are already deep into compulsive using. You are not alone in this struggle and there are many support groups and counselors willing to help you.

Women, you may feel like you have hit rock bottom. The receiving end of rejection and betrayal caused from compulsive porn use can cause feelings of hopelessness.

Feelings of sexual inadequacy, not being good enough, pretty enough, horny enough flood our minds. You may be putting self-worth aside doing things that make you feel uncomfortable.

Is this living a healthy life? Are you physically satisfied? Are you emotionally happy? Are you loving yourself? Are you being the porn police?

Please understand you are good enough and also a person worthy of respect. If your husband is addicted to pornography, this is not a choice you made. The only thing you have control over is setting healthy boundaries and loving yourself.

You do have a choice to live a healthy life filled with happiness, success, and real intimacy. If you are enabling a compulsive porn user, why? What are you getting out of the transaction? Why are you not setting boundaries? When you love someone, enabling them is a common problem. It is recommended to seek the guidance from a licensed professional therapist to coach you through this crisis.

This message may be one you may not want to hear but I am all about health and fitness. I am an advocate for good health and healthy relationships. The truth is porn is having a negative impact on many marriages and committed relationships. This taboo subject is a matter that needs to come out of the closet. Further, it's at the core of many health issues today: depression, eating disorders, body image issues, stress, not to mention ED.

This blog is not meant to judge or condemn, but a message of hope to inspire you to be honest about your life and health.

Thanks for stopping by my Blog. Don't forget to subscribe and never miss a free update.


1 comment:

  1. Wow. Absolutely wonderful and informative post. From experience, I would definitely have to agree with most of what is written here. Just like watching a tv show about mansions every day will make you loath your completely great but non-mansion house. Porn is for suckers!

    jen
    Boda weight loss Blog

    ReplyDelete

Comments and Questions